Manli Aygani
O fable, they are the fodder Who have blocked the way to the garden

2010 August

Where and how did we grow up? How have we learned to be afraid of each other? How have we enjoyed the approval of others for what we really aren't? And how long those "others" and this "enjoyment" last?
Censorship is internalized. We become experts at it, as if it were an inseparable part of our lives. It is precisely then that we loose the ability to distinguish what the I really wants.
All the rigid concepts like Good and Evil form dissonances between our mental universe and the world around us; finally, while we understand that which we desire, we ruthlessly start a process of self-flagellation, because if our desire refuses to abide by our stock of knowledge, it will appear impudent and unusual. Thus, what is ravaged is the I, and at times, when we overcome this false I through continuous inner struggle, and stand our ground for that which we desire, the main tragedy then takes place. The I that harms the world is often more unpleasant than the I that harms itself. Then, this evil I will remain and a feeling of guilt.
To what extent does this feeling of guilt, rather than our acumen, determines our actions? In this vicious circle cruelty comes to us from others, from us to the self, and from us to others. We are all engaged in hurting ourselves and hurting others. And, the moment that this cruelty becomes commonplace, a falsehood replaces truth, and the I gets lost in the middle of truth and falsehood and cannot distinguish between the two. This is a what-do-I-want that is lost.
And the I gives up.